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"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart
will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make
sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even
to an animal....The only place outside Heaven where you can be
perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis
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course, the opposite danger is throwing your love around to anyone you
think will take it. that, i'm afraid, is a much worse fate than hell.
the
trick is in the balance. love certainly opens you up to hurt. and there
are levels of love. in a very real sense we are to love all people. so
we are open to be hurt by everyone. there is also romantic love, and
that requires a bit more guard. and there is an even deeper love, one
that i can barely speak of, the kind that is most true. with the latter
two (to varying degrees), the idea is to not open yourself up to
another person with that kind of love until they can be trusted to love
you back and not hurt you. |
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| if i quit being friends with people just cause they 're assholes, i would be a friend to no one.
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| i've endured what has to be the hardest, strangest summer of my life. and now its finally fall, and it somehow seems appropriate, because i certainly feel like a part of my self has died. i am changed. i will always carry these scars. but i am interested to see what will grow from this as the seasons change.
there was a conversation i was hoping to have with my brother. i never got the chance to tell him, though. you can never say what would have been. but he was disillusioned about some things, and i wanted to help set him straight. he kept making decisions based on what he thought would make him happy. i guess up front that sounds like a good idea. i mean, its in the main line of the declaration of indepedence, of all things. pursue happiness. i guess somehow we all get that idea about life. that in the end, we should pursue what makes us happy. but i wanted to tell jordan that life isn't about his personal happiness. life isn't about being happy at all. this is not a world of happiness. this is a world at war. pursuing personal happiness directly conflicts with personal responsibility. whoever thought of living life based on such a fleeting emotion anyway?
it seems pretty clear that there are very few happy moments in this life. but, like a drug, when you feel happy you only crave more of that feeling. and then your whole life becomes about feeling that thrill again. and somewhere as all of that happens, your life becomes based on events of the here and now, rather than in eternity. because if we believe in a hope that transcends death, enduring this life seems more plausible even if you're unhappy the entire time. because in that hope are greater things than happiness- things like joy and peace.
my brother jordan, i think, deep down always longed for some peace. but he kept confusing it with personal, temporal happiness. in the end, i guess thats the thing he couldn't quite get over. and here i am, left with quite a bit of pain and unhappiness. and the only reason i can keep living is because i don't believe my current sadness has any bearing on the eternal joy in my soul. and i understand that the mark of this world is not beauty, or goodness, or happiness. the mark of this world is death - because all things decay. but like i said before, i am interested to see what will grow from this as the seasons change. | | |
| maybe you saw the world cup commercial about how the ivory coast ended their civil war so the country could cheer their soccer team in the world cup. maybe you've heard about whole countries shutting down, asking their major industries to cancel production on game days so there will be enough electricity to run the collective televisions of the nation. but if you still aren't convinced of the significance of this sport and this event, then consider my own mother:
my mom was born and raised in rio de janeiro, brasil. my mom does not watch television, ever. neither does my mom care anything about sports. but on what should have been the worst day of my mother's life, she was doing both. two days after her second son had tragically died, on a day that happened to be his birthday, my mom was jumping up and down, laughing in pure joy, and screaming in portugese as brasil advanced to the second round of the world cup. i don't understand much about the psychology of grief, but i think it got trumped in that moment by the mania of world cup soccer.
there is an indefinable quality in this game that tugs at the very soul of humanity. it moves you like you didn't think possible because it resonates in a place you forgot existed within you. if you haven't discovered it, there are still twelve games left. don't miss out, you won't get such a chance for another four years.
ps: thanks to all of you for your support in our time of pain. the pain will not end for us, but it is more bearable because of your love and empathy. i hope to respond to all of you who have reached out to me, but if i do not get that chance, know that i appreciate every kind word. it hurts so much to lose a loved one, but thank you for reminding me of how many more loved ones are in my life.
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| today was my brother jordan's 25th birthday. we had an open casket party, and all our family came in from seattle to miami and everywhere in between and there was more food than three refrigerators could hold. the only thing missing was my brother.
why can't i remember what i believe anymore? when i need it most, my theology has left me. i don't know anything. i am completely numb, but i feel everything.
i don't think i'll ever be the same. at least i hope not.
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