| | i've endured what has to be the hardest, strangest summer of my life. and now its finally fall, and it somehow seems appropriate, because i certainly feel like a part of my self has died. i am changed. i will always carry these scars. but i am interested to see what will grow from this as the seasons change.
there was a conversation i was hoping to have with my brother. i never got the chance to tell him, though. you can never say what would have been. but he was disillusioned about some things, and i wanted to help set him straight. he kept making decisions based on what he thought would make him happy. i guess up front that sounds like a good idea. i mean, its in the main line of the declaration of indepedence, of all things. pursue happiness. i guess somehow we all get that idea about life. that in the end, we should pursue what makes us happy. but i wanted to tell jordan that life isn't about his personal happiness. life isn't about being happy at all. this is not a world of happiness. this is a world at war. pursuing personal happiness directly conflicts with personal responsibility. whoever thought of living life based on such a fleeting emotion anyway?
it seems pretty clear that there are very few happy moments in this life. but, like a drug, when you feel happy you only crave more of that feeling. and then your whole life becomes about feeling that thrill again. and somewhere as all of that happens, your life becomes based on events of the here and now, rather than in eternity. because if we believe in a hope that transcends death, enduring this life seems more plausible even if you're unhappy the entire time. because in that hope are greater things than happiness- things like joy and peace.
my brother jordan, i think, deep down always longed for some peace. but he kept confusing it with personal, temporal happiness. in the end, i guess thats the thing he couldn't quite get over. and here i am, left with quite a bit of pain and unhappiness. and the only reason i can keep living is because i don't believe my current sadness has any bearing on the eternal joy in my soul. and i understand that the mark of this world is not beauty, or goodness, or happiness. the mark of this world is death - because all things decay. but like i said before, i am interested to see what will grow from this as the seasons change. |
| | Posted 9/2/2006 6:36 AM - 57 Views - 8 eProps - 4 comments
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